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About Deviant Official Beta Tester RubyFemale/Australia Groups :iconitdoesnothaveme: ItDoesNotHaveMe
Disease does not own me.
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Bipolar turns you into a maelstrom. It brings you to your knees and makes you ache. You are naked and raw, your skin a patchwork of fused nerve-endings touched again and again; hot flames and burnt knives licking and lacerating your soul. It smashes you against oystered rock; mad ocean waves in a dead sea. You are no longer in chaos. You are chaos. You become the fuel to set yourself on fire and you can’t stop burning. You can’t put yourself out. You have to burn the flesh and wick and wax until there’s nothing left but fumes and the fire burns out to ash and cinder and black coal, and a toxic wasteland where smoke fills your lungs in soft grey and deadly plumes becomes your body’s home. And then, you re-light. You, your chemistry, a mysterious god, or the world strikes a match.

Schizophrenia makes you shatterglass. You splinter into shards which split and fracture and melt through your hands to vanish into ether. You are thin air treading the spaces between dimensions as the world grows too malevolent and terrifying to exist in. The fabric of reality shifts and breaks; a slow collapse into chasms. Black holes that open and swallow you down and threaten your human existence, your gravity, your sense of being. You are no longer human. You are alien and visceral and vanishing and unreal all at once. You are snow melting into acid rain on bone.

The places in your mind will be taken up by voices. They will fill the spaces between breaths of silence and whisper and howl until the white noise spills out of your skull and into the surroundings. Until you can see people before you moving their mouths, but there are only static and the words torturing you in a private war. There is gunfire here. Ammunition and enemy lines and trip wires laid in wait everywhere. Itchy trigger fingers pointing to follow your shaking step. You tread carefully in the night, but bombs fall and voices quake and you are a child of nothing-places that no one can see, lost and awake in a nightmare no one else is sleeping in. So you tether yourself to them to find your way back.

You throw out desperate, invisible lines; umbilical cords searching for connections to hold, to keep you sane and alive and real because you are no longer real. Your mind is not your own and the world is falling into strange and secret places. Your mind warps at light speeds as you hallucinate and dissociate new realms to exist in. And you will hear words.
Words like “sick” and “hospital” and “lucid” and “here, take this”. You will breathe fear in and out like oxygen and antigens until you hyperventilate and your pulse flutters and smashes into shatter-shatter, hush! Your voice stuttering incoherent tides of words. No one can understand your language anymore and you can’t understand why or how or when; or who or what you are. So you send out blind tendril cords, veins filled with life blood, draining fast.  Each one a thin, harrowed scream of unvoiced horror laced with the hope and need that someone will feel it hidden in the dark and grasp it tight. Tie it to their chest beneath their heart, knotted around a rib like the string of a parachute and PULL.

You hope against everything that it will open. With every fibre, pray that something inside you will open as the sickness grows smaller and far away. That something in you will open like a flower, like blood or wine spreading dark red in a tablecloth, like “pick a hand”, like a white field mushroom bloom under a fork, like a white hospital door. You hope that hands will find and catch you or slow the fall. Until you can find your way back to the door you went through to the otherworld where nothing and everything became as strange and dangerous and horrifying and alien as yourself. You hope to stop getting lost in the labyrinth of souls and antimatter and things that aren’t things, and to find the way out faster than befores.
You tether yourself to human beings, and they don’t even know. (That you were gone).
Shatter Children
I wrote this yesterday at work during my break. I want to explain how it feels. Because people reading symptoms doesn't lead to understanding.
I've been feeling a lot about how desperately you tether yourself to other people who don't even know that they're a lighthouse for you in the dark. Or an anchor, or a tree. It's hard to describe psychosis. Because it isn't just visual, auditory, or kinetic hallucinations, it isn't just delusions. It's more than that. Bipolar is more than mood swings. You can feel it build and you can't stop, and even as euphoria hits in mania, it can be simultaneously terrifying even while you're in absolute ecstatic joy. (Not that all mania is euphoric).

I still haven't uploaded writing from this hospitalisation. But I will when I feel up to it. I'm so tired and I wish I was in remission. It's so hard to try to cope with uni. I keep having symptoms and psychotic breaks. I keep missing classes and falling behind. I want to be well.

This prosetry is meant to have many 'ands'. I want to convey the building of the force of mania or psychosis and how it fuels itself and gains momentum and fear building on fear.  
Loading...

Missed DD!

Sun Jun 1, 2014, 5:40 PM


Oh my goodness, I just realised that I received a DD while I was in hospital!

Suicides Learning To SpeakIt’s 6 a.m. A girl is beginning the journey back from Oz, anchored to life by the whirr and beep of machines and tubes. Above her emaciated body, nurses pace, write on clipboards, click their heels and purse their lips. She is oblivious. Her mind drifts in freefall, stuck in an eggshell skull wrapped in nasal gastric tubing and an oxygen pipe forced down her throat like a synthetic umbilical cord. Somewhere, neurotransmitters are sewing themselves back into conscious awareness. There is a person lost somewhere in that body. There is a mind overboard in a black sea, sending up a flare. The nurses are afraid that she will stay in there forever. A family jostles at the side of the bed in the cramped, generic hospital room. All the King’s horses and all the King’s men… I don’t need ruby shoes to find my way home. My name is Ruby, the nurses click their heels and my family makes the wish.
I’m finding my way back to consciousness through the sound


Thank you so much, I wish that I had seen and known it then. Wow. This means a lot. 

---

I'm out of hospital! I was finally discharged on Friday, and I'm back home. Uni starts again next week. I feel a bit shaky thinking about it, but I know it'll be fine. I have to be. I have to finish my thesis.

My time for data collection for my thesis is almost over. I still need as many participants as possible! I would love you to complete the survey! It's very brief, and will contribute to a very under researched area, where data is much needed. All participants are welcome :heart:

www.surveymonkey.com/s/bodyima…

----

Just an update: I'm still in hopsital, and doing much better. There are so many beautiful people here. I have day leave again today, and I'm meeting up with my supervisor at uni! I'm nervous and excited. I had the most beautiful day yesterday. I went out with my father, and did a recording with him on two of his new children's songs (he's a children's musician). It was a day filled with music. Then we went and had lunch, and stumbled across an antique shop. I saw the most beautiful little glass bottle (I used to collect antique bottles) with a clear glass heart surrounded by frosted glass roses. I loved it so much, so my Dad bought it for me :heart: I adore it, and it's sitting in my hospital room. Everytime I look at it I want to cry. It makes me think of childhood and innocence and it was the loveliest day with my Dad. And the day before, my Mum spent hours with me and had really hard conversations with me; trying really hard to ask me what my illness is like and to understand, and it was so so good of her, and I was thankful for that.

Then, yesterday in group therapy, we had a really lovely meeting that was beyond moving. The theme was gratefulness. The other group members made it a very hopeful session. I had a really bad night for some reason, and felt really suicidal (bipolar/schizoaffective pendulum swing I guess; I'd been manic the day before, so here comes the following low). I asked for my favourite psychiatric nurse who's incredibly intuitive. His name's Andrew. In all of my hospitalisations, I've never come across anyone as special as he is in terms of empathy and intuition. All of the nurses and other patients/consumers acknowledge how amazing he is. But he wasn't on shift. But another nurse who I hadn't had before (whose name I can't for the life of me remember because I was so out of it) came and talked to me for hours and made things easier too.

So I'll be meeting up with my supervisor in an hour and a half, and he's awesome, and I'm hoping to be out of hospital in another week and a half if they'll let me. I've met so many amazingly inspiring people as I usually do whichever hospital I'm in. I hope I'll make it through honours year.

I've been writing a little bit of poetry too, which has been helping a lot. Feeling better. I wish I had more internet access to look at art and read dA! I miss you all :heart: :rose:

---

I've been admitted to hospital again. I don't really have internet here - the nurse just let me borrow the computer today. They want to change my diagnosis from Bipolar I with psychotic features to schizoaffective disorder or bipolar and schizophrenia. It's really just arguing semantics in my opinion, but there's a lot of pressure from the psychiatrists to put me back on previous medications I've been on with heavy side effects like clozapine and lithium, and I keep refusing. Everything's chaotic and scary and strange and I hate the pressure. I feel like I'm ruining my thesis by being here and a failure because I've been unravelling for weeks by not coping for the stress of uni and my illness just getting progressively worse until I ended up in crisis again and got pushed into hospital.

And Dev :rose: It's so hard to think of her and the girls. I can't do this.

My supervisor emailed me today telling me not to worry about deadlines and exams and to just get better and rest in hospital. I feel so many things. I feel like a failure.
-----

I'm not very active these days, due to overwhelming uni work. But I do still stop by and check out everyone's beautiful artwork. I'm not writing as much, except for my thesis. But I'm taking a lot of photos. I'll upload some when I have the time.

Two days ago I received some absolutely heartbreaking news. One of my beautiful friends has passed away. Those of us who knew her; a group of friends from all over, were like a little family, and we have lost a sister. We're stuggling to work through our feelings and grieve together, and support one another. We'll love and remember her always. This is just so, so hard. Especially for one of my dear friends who was the closest person to her in the world, who is suffering beyond belief.

I hope everyone is well. Life is precious. Never stop to appreciate the beautiful people you have in your life. You never know when something could take them from you :heart:

So much love. Thank you for sharing your beautiful thoughts and art; personal and naked and reminding us all that we're not alone, we're all human, all full of creativity, and potential, and can inspire.

----
My thesis research needs participants! I'm researching body image and gender diversity :)
Please, please take this quick (anonymous) survey and contribute to the literature on body image, sexual orientation, sex drive, and much needed literature on gender diversity!

www.surveymonkey.com/s/bodyima…

(feel free to share) ;)


deviantID

RosaryOfSighsx
Ruby
Australia
Hi :) I'm Rosie.

I'm studying Honours in psychology at university and working part time as a mental health support worker. I'm passionate mental health advocate, and want to dedicate my life to helping to support and understand others living with mental illness. I live with Type I bipolar disorder and psychosis in Australia. I love writing and reading poetry, and reading biographies and memoirs. I also love writing music and performing, photography and photo manipulation.

I'm the lyricist/singer for a band. We're called Outward Eyes. Look us up on facebook! [link] :heart:

My heroes are Anne Deveson, Kay Redfield Jamison, Elyn Saks, and Carl Sagan. I admire their courage, passion, resilience, and writing. I believe that resilience, as well as compassion, empathy, emotional intuition, courage and drive are the best qualities a person can have.

I'm a street art enthusiast, I'm not a grafitti artist, but I love street art and love photographing it. I very much love derelict and decaying buildings and urban exploration.

I like records, horror and occult fiction, poetry, sushi, A Perfect Circle, Placebo, David Bowie, gloomy bear, antiques, particularly Victorian, clown dolls, and foreign or silent films.
Interests

Missed DD!

Sun Jun 1, 2014, 5:40 PM


Oh my goodness, I just realised that I received a DD while I was in hospital!

Suicides Learning To SpeakIt’s 6 a.m. A girl is beginning the journey back from Oz, anchored to life by the whirr and beep of machines and tubes. Above her emaciated body, nurses pace, write on clipboards, click their heels and purse their lips. She is oblivious. Her mind drifts in freefall, stuck in an eggshell skull wrapped in nasal gastric tubing and an oxygen pipe forced down her throat like a synthetic umbilical cord. Somewhere, neurotransmitters are sewing themselves back into conscious awareness. There is a person lost somewhere in that body. There is a mind overboard in a black sea, sending up a flare. The nurses are afraid that she will stay in there forever. A family jostles at the side of the bed in the cramped, generic hospital room. All the King’s horses and all the King’s men… I don’t need ruby shoes to find my way home. My name is Ruby, the nurses click their heels and my family makes the wish.
I’m finding my way back to consciousness through the sound


Thank you so much, I wish that I had seen and known it then. Wow. This means a lot. 

---

I'm out of hospital! I was finally discharged on Friday, and I'm back home. Uni starts again next week. I feel a bit shaky thinking about it, but I know it'll be fine. I have to be. I have to finish my thesis.

My time for data collection for my thesis is almost over. I still need as many participants as possible! I would love you to complete the survey! It's very brief, and will contribute to a very under researched area, where data is much needed. All participants are welcome :heart:

www.surveymonkey.com/s/bodyima…

----

Just an update: I'm still in hopsital, and doing much better. There are so many beautiful people here. I have day leave again today, and I'm meeting up with my supervisor at uni! I'm nervous and excited. I had the most beautiful day yesterday. I went out with my father, and did a recording with him on two of his new children's songs (he's a children's musician). It was a day filled with music. Then we went and had lunch, and stumbled across an antique shop. I saw the most beautiful little glass bottle (I used to collect antique bottles) with a clear glass heart surrounded by frosted glass roses. I loved it so much, so my Dad bought it for me :heart: I adore it, and it's sitting in my hospital room. Everytime I look at it I want to cry. It makes me think of childhood and innocence and it was the loveliest day with my Dad. And the day before, my Mum spent hours with me and had really hard conversations with me; trying really hard to ask me what my illness is like and to understand, and it was so so good of her, and I was thankful for that.

Then, yesterday in group therapy, we had a really lovely meeting that was beyond moving. The theme was gratefulness. The other group members made it a very hopeful session. I had a really bad night for some reason, and felt really suicidal (bipolar/schizoaffective pendulum swing I guess; I'd been manic the day before, so here comes the following low). I asked for my favourite psychiatric nurse who's incredibly intuitive. His name's Andrew. In all of my hospitalisations, I've never come across anyone as special as he is in terms of empathy and intuition. All of the nurses and other patients/consumers acknowledge how amazing he is. But he wasn't on shift. But another nurse who I hadn't had before (whose name I can't for the life of me remember because I was so out of it) came and talked to me for hours and made things easier too.

So I'll be meeting up with my supervisor in an hour and a half, and he's awesome, and I'm hoping to be out of hospital in another week and a half if they'll let me. I've met so many amazingly inspiring people as I usually do whichever hospital I'm in. I hope I'll make it through honours year.

I've been writing a little bit of poetry too, which has been helping a lot. Feeling better. I wish I had more internet access to look at art and read dA! I miss you all :heart: :rose:

---

I've been admitted to hospital again. I don't really have internet here - the nurse just let me borrow the computer today. They want to change my diagnosis from Bipolar I with psychotic features to schizoaffective disorder or bipolar and schizophrenia. It's really just arguing semantics in my opinion, but there's a lot of pressure from the psychiatrists to put me back on previous medications I've been on with heavy side effects like clozapine and lithium, and I keep refusing. Everything's chaotic and scary and strange and I hate the pressure. I feel like I'm ruining my thesis by being here and a failure because I've been unravelling for weeks by not coping for the stress of uni and my illness just getting progressively worse until I ended up in crisis again and got pushed into hospital.

And Dev :rose: It's so hard to think of her and the girls. I can't do this.

My supervisor emailed me today telling me not to worry about deadlines and exams and to just get better and rest in hospital. I feel so many things. I feel like a failure.
-----

I'm not very active these days, due to overwhelming uni work. But I do still stop by and check out everyone's beautiful artwork. I'm not writing as much, except for my thesis. But I'm taking a lot of photos. I'll upload some when I have the time.

Two days ago I received some absolutely heartbreaking news. One of my beautiful friends has passed away. Those of us who knew her; a group of friends from all over, were like a little family, and we have lost a sister. We're stuggling to work through our feelings and grieve together, and support one another. We'll love and remember her always. This is just so, so hard. Especially for one of my dear friends who was the closest person to her in the world, who is suffering beyond belief.

I hope everyone is well. Life is precious. Never stop to appreciate the beautiful people you have in your life. You never know when something could take them from you :heart:

So much love. Thank you for sharing your beautiful thoughts and art; personal and naked and reminding us all that we're not alone, we're all human, all full of creativity, and potential, and can inspire.

----
My thesis research needs participants! I'm researching body image and gender diversity :)
Please, please take this quick (anonymous) survey and contribute to the literature on body image, sexual orientation, sex drive, and much needed literature on gender diversity!

www.surveymonkey.com/s/bodyima…

(feel free to share) ;)


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:iconjacquelinemarie93:
JacquelineMarie93 Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2014
hello wonderful! just wanted to say that your poetry and lyrics are beautiful. I've listened to your bands music and it's incredibly moving. You are gifted!
Is there a place where I can download your music?
Thanks, friend :)
Reply
:iconrosaryofsighsx:
RosaryOfSighsx Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2014
thank you very much! unfortunately there isn't, but I could email you mp3s if you tell me your email perhaps?
Reply
:iconjacquelinemarie93:
JacquelineMarie93 Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2014
sure :)
my email is JMKomada@comcast.net
Thanks!!
Reply
:iconshelby2398:
Shelby2398 Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I just want you to know that I think that everything in your gallery is absolutely spectacular.
Reply
:iconrosaryofsighsx:
RosaryOfSighsx Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2014
thank you so much!! :hug:
Reply
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