Good and Bad Things

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Yesterday I went to an interview at my uni for the position of a student ambassador for psychology. Being interviewed for it was nerve-wracking, because it's competitive, because interviews are always scary =P, but also because I arrived a bit too early, and watched person after person go in to their interviews (will seriously have to make sure not to arrive too early for intimidating things in future).
So this morning I was really shocked and happy to check my emails and find out that my interview was successful. I'll be a student ambassador! I'm really excited, because it means talking to prospective psych students and sharing  passion and enthusiasm for what studying psych has to offer :aww: I love psychology, and I'm really thankful that I'm being given this opportunity. And frankly really shocked that it has been given!

I'm going camping soon with my sister, friends and girlfriend, which I'm really looking forward to. I haven't been camping in wayyyy too long.
And really looking forward to the Splendour music festival and seeing Daughter :heart:

Work has raised a few interesting issues for me. Religion is often in the forefront of discussions with clients and co-workers, often as people find hope through their beliefs, and reaffirm themselves and their sense of 'goodness' (for lack of a better word) through their faith. And we always try to be extremely mindful and sensitive of this.
But I'm finding that one of my co-workers absolutely cannot seem to separate his own feelings enough to be sensitive to others' beliefs. To the point of saying things like "NO. No, heaven isn't like that. I know heaven isn't like that. No, God doesn't think that. I know God doesn't think that way. No, that's wrong." This is starting to be a little problematic especially when some of the clients are highly vulnerable and can be more affected by persuasion or intimidation.
Recently, when we were doing peer supervision, where you discuss your own journey and past struggles, he was asking me about my psychotic and manic experiences (himself never having experiencing them). He was very interested in a number of my hallucinations and the feelings and 'vibes' I often experience while having them.
And his strong beliefs, meant that despite being well-versed in psychology and mental illness, the fact that his beliefs are the most important thing to him, meant that he was telling me in no uncertain terms that some of those hallucinatory experiences that I commonly see/hear/feel when I'm in a psychotic or manic episode are me "really seeing the spirits and demons of Enoch". He went into great lengths and detail about the spiritual 'proof' of this, and how it 'sounds to him' like I've been 'touched and hand-chosen by God'.
You can see how this can be a very risky thing to tell someone who experiences psychosis. Those opinions can directly influence a person who is vulnerable. For example, one of the particular days he was telling me this, I'd been experiencing some low-level hallucinations and delusions. After these conversations, although I'm not religious, I was unwell. So I was highly vulnerable to these comments. 
Which meant that I wondered if, what he was saying, could be true - that perhaps these hallucinations were seeing the "higher truth of God, the pure spiritual plane, the real demons that exist and the biblical fallout". So, rather than choosing to ignore/fight the hallucinations and carry on with my daily grind, I gave them my full attention. Which meant that I started to follow what they were saying/ordering me to do. Which also meant that I stopped taking my medication for a few days, so that I could "discover" this 'higher truth'. Luckily then, I had a period of insight/lucidity before it spiralled into a full-blown psychotic episode. So I went back on my medication, saw my doctor, and then took some of my store of more intense medication (clozapine) (which I'm no longer on because of its hideous side effects, but will help prevent my descent into full-blown madness) to try to make sure I wouldn't end up back in hospital, and crisis averted.

Following these conversations with this co-worker (which I will now have to be extremely mindful of and careful of as a risk factor to my staying stable), something similar happened again, but through a different perspective.
Another co-worker, who has also never experienced mania and depression, is spiritual and has recently started exploring Buddhism, holistic mind/body healing, and meditation. He and I have a lot of similar values, attitudes and interests. And we end up having a lot of thoroughly enjoyable philosophical and social justice conversations whenever we work together.
He also asked me to explain some of my experiences of mania and psychosis. When I explained (as well as I could manage) feelings of being unable to differentiate my being from everything around me (the   outward sensory explosions of psychosis, the feelings of being a pure, unstoppable spiritual light/force in mania, the feelings of being part of the energy-fabric of the world, and feeling like you're transcending your bodily vessel/physical self etc etc).
And then (in keeping with some of our conversations about perspectives/philosophy etc) questioned whether or not these episodes were truly periods of illness, or that I might be reaching 'nirvana-like states' of 'self-transcendence' and 'becoming one with the pure energy and life-force of the universe'. He started to theorise that my rapid falls from mania into depression and back to mania were an attempt at my spirit to "maintain this oneness" that would then become too intense when we live in a society that is "spiritually disillusioned" and that I was not prepared to maintain that intensity without retreating to the safety of the 'normal disillusioned state' which then made my spirit 'sad and sick' because I knew I had the 'capacity to achieve and live in' that state of 'spiritual purity and oneness'. He told me that I was clearly "deeply spiritually aware and intuitive" and had reached these states without "having to learn them or try" to reach them, like meditation. He was excited and wanted to compare the feelings I described with states and experiences people have reported  in meditation and other 'deeply spiritual' feelings and experiences of connection and spiritual enlightenment.
Again, you can see how that can have a profound impact. Still trying to get back to stability after going off medication and verging on psychosis, again I started to question things. And this was much more seductive, in that it was more spiritually based, and more based on mind/body/spirit alignment (which we discussed in depth), which had more of an impact on me. It was also positive, and keyed into past hallucinations/delusions where I was convinced I had 'found nirvana' or 'become one with the universe'.
So again, I stopped taking my medication. Which meant more psychotic experiences, a depressive swing, and then a dramatic swing into mania. Resulting in me wandering around in a state of blissful euphoria for a few days, spending too much money, and getting lost in a really sketchy suburb in Brisbane near to where I work and encountering some rough individuals who thankfully, didn't take advantage of my childlike state. 
Thankfully, again, I had a period of insight, went back onto medication, and went back and saw my doctor. But I'll definitely need to be mindful of the potential risks here in this job. And luckily, at my work, the whole point of co-sup is that we talk to each other about our own health states and any potential risks/triggers that come up for us at work or otherwise. So we can talk about this. I'm going to try and make sure I do bring this up, because I've been worrying about the repercussions things like this might have for clients, and it's a perfect example that it started to have repercussions for myself. And the ethics and sensitivity and mindfulness stuff here is all definitely something that needs to be considered. 

I'd be interested to hear anyone's opinions.

Things are well and happy for me though, for the most part. I'm happier than ever, and periods of illness, while sometimes intense, I'm just better at coping with them, and have better support around me and less triggers. Life is so much more manageable than it used to be :)


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Beautiful People, Queer Ball, Concerts, and Disney on Ice

Today was a very, very rough and triggering day.
And I came home to find an incredibly touching poem written for me by :devLyrica-Lee


Thank you so much :heart: I really can't thank you enough :rose:

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I've now successfully moved into my new house, and absolutely love it. My housemate is also incredibly sweet and friendly - he's studying nursing and easy going and lovely. Our other housemate is an electrician and very friendly. 
Something that was funny and a little sad, was when I said yes to the house, he nervously informed me that he was gay, and asked if that would 'be an issue'. I laughed and told him that I'd been about to ask him the same question! - telling him that I'm gay, and would that be an issue. But it made me feel really sad that anyone should ever have to take that into consideration about our safety living somewhere. Something that should just a be a personal, private, non-issue.
I'm happily settled in already, and loveee this house and where it's situated. I've already had some people sleep over, so it feels successfully 'house-warmed' :aww:

On the positive side of LGBTIQ things (aside from some of the positive political steps forward lately), the lovely Queer Ball for my university, organised by the Queer Collective :la: was a lot of fun. Here are some photos from it:

:thumb381809785: Blush by Rosary0fSighs

I'm going to the Splendour In the Grass music festival with Ellie in almost exactly a months time. I'm so excited!! :dummy: A band we both love, "Daughter" are playing on the first day, and I can't wait. It's going to be amazing.

Disney on Ice was a fun evening with a whole group of friends. We laughed a lot. I filmed some of it on my camera - some amazingggg tricks and throws and catches! Very talented skaters. Sadly my camera battery died in the finale! Haha isn't that always the way? So I missed recording some of the firework stuff. But I did film the fire-breathing dragon display, which was impressive. (Prince Philip fighting Maleficent who turned herself into a dragon). The skaters playing Aladdin and Jasmine were the most impressive :)

Again and again these last few months I just feel like pinching myself. My life is almost unrecognisable to how it has been for years. I'm so happy and I feel so centred. 
Work this week was intense but incredibly fulfilling. And having many lovely deeper connections with friends both here and overseas. And a lot of laughter in my life. Good things :)


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Goodness, I've been out of the loop on deviantart for a bit! Time to get back into things :aww:
I'm still unpacking in my new house, which is tiring but exciting! So many boxes.... :faint: I already feel really at home here though, which is great. I'm really happy that I found this place. Ironically my housemate is also a coeliac, which is funny (and makes cooking simple!). It turns out the reason I kept missing my favourite brand of almond milk at the shops every few days (because they only stock it once a week) is because it's his favourite brand too! And because he lived closer to the shops, he always got it first! =P So we're now no longer in a mysterious, silent battle over almond milk haha :dummy:

Last night was the Queer Ball for my university - the Queer Collective threw it as an end-of-semester celebration. I went with my sister, my girlfriend, and my beautiful friend. More friends had intended to come and booked tickets, but sadly had to work :( but it was a lovely night! We had a lot of fun getting ready together and laughing about our mishaps - like me and trying to put on fake eyelashes for the first time haha. That.... didn't work. I just got the glue all over myself :lol: Charlotte had done it before once, but we were just helpless :la: I was half-dead at the ball after two hours of sleep the night before and a very intense work shift. I love my job, though :aww:
The funny thing is, even without working in and studying mental health, strangers confide in me and ask advice in a number of surprising situations all the time. It's an honor that they feel comfortable enough to open up with such personal things, but sometimes it really surprises me. Yesterday was a classic example; a stranger on the train talking to me about their mental health. And last night during the ball, a person I'd only met once wanted to have a very deep conversation with me about their mental health struggles and some very personal decisions and milestones they were facing. Ellie kind of laughed later, (she'd been standing beside me and diplomatically slipped away when they'd indicated that they wanted to talk privately) and said that I must look like a giant ear to some people =P hahaha. It was a really nice evening! A lot of sweet, funny moments and a lot of fun.

My friend Usagii booked a whole group of my friends to see the Disney On Ice show this weekend, which should be fun! :iconballoonsplz: Looking forward to seeing some well-loved caricatures skate!
In two weeks, a group of us are also going camping in Northern New South Wales :la: It's going to be really cold, but we're all very excited. I haven't been camping in way too long, so I'm really looking forward to it!

I really will post more photos from Italy, and other stuff I've taken lately. I feel so out of the loop! 
Best tips for finding the motivation to unpack your life? =P So many boxes.
Love! :heart:



© 2013 - 2024 Rosary0fSighs
Comments16
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SadisticIceCream's avatar
That's rough to hear about these people who are accidentally taking advantage of your vulnerable states. I probably can't tell you anything helpful other than to say that you might think of a system for yourself to remind you that the things they're suggesting aren't good for you in the long run, whether that be a piece of paper you have in your wallet or an object that will remind you (like a piece of jewelry) or something like that. Or have a friend check in on how your day was.