Healing

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Stillness in the Chaos - Beautiful Coincidences by Rosary0fSighsBeautiful moment on my way to work where I happened on a dragonfly. 

My job is absolutely amazing (I'm a mental health peer support worker). My co-workers are all such caring, inspiring people. It's truly an honour to work with them. 
It's also very interesting, because I've been 'flying blind' into going in to meet with our clients; that is, my co-workers haven't told me anything about them, as they don't want to influence my impressions or intuitive reactions. This does create some stress though, as you have to be hyper aware and thinking very fast in your assessments of atmosphere, mood etc. Everyone is so different, and sometimes you're meeting a person in a community house for supported living, in their own home, or at a coffee shop, for example. You have to be aware of how you're interacting in the space. 
Some people are  highly dependent on care, and deeply unwell at the time you visit them, and you have to remember important words that they might say, and important moments that might be a significant breakthrough for a person, or an indication of something important, that you may have to relate to their case manager, or their DSE. You have to be aware, that for example, if someone is manic or psychotic and their senses are operating at an extremely high level, very subtle things can have significant impact (which is why my workplace employs peer support workers - as they believe that lived experience is crucial in carer support. And I know all too well the incredible power of the world and overwhelming state of just 'being' when you are psychotic, your senses and brain are operating in hyperdrive and you cannot 'separate' your mind and your body from the universe. It can flood and overwhelm you in every sense.). Some people may also have physical disabilities, and some cannot communicate through speech, and you learn to listen and speak through the language that they use. So much of our work is intuitive and non-verbal. You end up making mental maps.

In this job, they stress that connections may not happen. Which is why you have to be extremely intuitive and careful. For example, some older people have been locked away in institutions for a very long time. And have seen and been badly treated by a lot of 'support' workers in their lives, so there is a lot of trust to gain. They stress that if you miss a moment, that door may be closed. Or that once trust is broken, or words cross a line, it may be completely gone forever. My supervisors also stress that as a new support worker, it may take a long time for me to develop these connections. 
On Friday (after finding the dragonfly), I went on a house visit with my colleague. Again, flying blind. I new nothing about the person before meeting him inside his house. Because I had no background knowledge of his history, or how he needed to relate to people, I wasn't aware of some things that were significant. I did learn that my co-worker was the only person this man would allow to talk to him. DSE workers and many carers would not be interacted with on any real level, but he trusted my co-worker. 
Later, when we left, my co-worker told me that he was absolutely astounded by what had taken place. It turned out that the individual had responded to me highly, and in doing so, had talked  more in that session that had been come across before, and mentioned things that he had previously refused to acknowledge, and other things that our office had been unaware of as being very significant. He had also looked at me directly, which was unusual for interactions for support workers (aside from my co-worker), especially that I was new, which was a sign of trust. He interacted with us both in a 'more present  way' than before through using physical mediums to engage with us in the space, which was also, as I was told, a first. He also indicated that I could come back. Because of this, my co-worker notified my supervisor, and I will now be a part of continued visits to that gentleman.

Now the really interesting thing this makes thing is: would that still had happened had I known about this gentleman's history? Would my interaction with him been very different had I known of past struggles, or traumas, or treatments, would I have been "more careful" in an attempt to be mindful of this history? How might that have changed everything?
The first few days of work I was a little nervous that no one was informing me of anything about the clients prior to me meeting them. I was very aware that I might miss things, or inadvertently trigger someone. But this experience, and also for the client we saw following this gentlemen, and a few others as well, made me think that this kind of very deep listening when you know absolutely nothing and the clients are extremely high needs with extremely complex histories might be the best thing. You're making no assumptions, but really really have your ear to the floor and relying on your intuition. I'm learning a lot.

Along with work, I'm in a very good point in my life. I was manic again recently, but managed it well. There is still much to be worked on (especially all of that desperate spending haha, and some strange interactions with people :P which most of them said was 'endearing' but still makes me a little... hmm. Well anyway haha) but I'm making steps. I've moved to a point in my life where I'm no longer afraid to let go of people who trigger me or have a negative presence in my life, because I don't have to suffer alone or in silence anymore and live with that pain eating into me. I know now that I have a voice, and if my boundaries are crossed, if I'm triggered or endangered, that it's okay to let go of those people rather than making excuse for them, or thinking I 'deserve' it, trying to explain thins that end up hurting me even more, and ending up with the triggers still being there, putting me in danger. I don't have to make excuses for people's judgments of me either, when they really don't know things, and don't want to know, but just make assumptions. I'm getting to a point where I'm tired of defending myself. I have spent my life defending myself from a very young age, and fighting for existence. Fighting for acceptance and love and safety from family, friends, others who have made assumptions about what they 'know' about me. I'm choosing not to keep arguing and fighting that toxicity anymore, but to -let go-. I don't have to keep fighting to be safe. I deserve to be safe in my world. I am now no longer interested in trying to negotiate that around other people, putting my own care and safety and needs last.
And it has taken a lifetime to get there. Doing this had made me so much happier, and there is much less toxicity. Instead of a trigger staying and causing danger and damage, after the initial pain and danger, if I let go, it is gone, and I move on. I've welcomed creative, positive people into my life, and I'm learning so much from them. One of them being my beautiful girl ;) It almost feels like waking up from a dream. A lot of things are falling away, and I feel like I'm -finally- going forward :)

I feel like I'm finally finding stability in all of the beautiful chaos :heart:
   
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I've come to a point in my life where I am so much happier than I ever have been for the past three to five years :) I feel very centered and whole and strong. I'm processing pain, and learning to let go of so many things - negativity, negative people, negative influences, negative intrusions, fear for the  future. I can write about things and really let go of them now. I feel very present, and I feel like I'm moving forward and in a much more stable sense than I ever was before. I feel calmer and more connected. I feel like I am better equipped to cope with my own episodes now, and better supported. I still love my degree, I love my job. Connecting with people in community mental health, and supporting them in their struggle is amazing. I feel very privileged to have been given the opportunity to work alongside other adults who have come through their mental illnesses into recovery. Some of the people I have met are absolutely incredible. :heart: They've come through chronic, life-threatening drug addiction, schizophrenia, bipolar, being in and out of hospitals like I have, criminal convictions and jail time, abuse, trauma, survived suicide and found hope. They are so incredibly honest about and to themselves and it's amazing to be around. They honestly face the inconsistencies in who they wanted to be and who they were, the values they had and the values they enacted, the words they said and their actions, the paths they took, and why that happened. And they own it and faced it and moved into seeking support, and getting back to health, honesty and moving towards who they wanted to be.  It's amazing to have those conversations. It's amazing to learn what some of these people have survived - homelessness, drug wars, street life, chronic abuse, repeated patterns of mistreatment, hospitalisations, hopelessness, self-destruction. It's very powerful, and I feel so honoured to be a part of this team of individuals. I can't believe how different I feel now compared to the last few years. I have a lot of good people around me, a lot of good friends, and that's amazing too. I'm reconnected with more people, and in better ways. I feel so centered and accepting of myself. In a good place :)

Here's a beautiful quote on writing, being a writer, and the power of words: 

"I am by nature a dealer in words, and words are the most powerful drug in humanity."
- Rudyard Kipling.

Much love! :heart:
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My Dad is a children's musician and music teacher. He has a lot of albums that are used in a lot of primary schools, but he's just started putting them on youtube and itunes. 

I'd really appreciate it if you could give this song a 'like' on youtube :) www.youtube.com/watch?v=elHW37…

(He also has an adult's album here www.myspace.com/ianrosswilliam…). 

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Just ran into someone I was in hospital with once, in the supermarket. And he started back right where he left off last time (and every time) I saw him: yelling abuse, insults and sexual innuendo at me.
"FatbitchslutwhorecuntfuckyouI'llfuckyouupbitchyoufuckingwhoreI'llfuckingkillyoufuckyouslutfuckhotslutbitchsexfuckyoukillyou"
When we were on the same ward, I had to report him to nurses to get him to stay away from me. Now it turns out he lives locally. 
I had to run out of the supermarket. I'm feeling really upset. I know he's not well, and I understand, but he used to target me on the ward, and it's really triggering and scary to run into him again. Feeling scared.

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I got the jobI really wanted! I've been hired by an extensive mental and physical disabilities and health service in our state that is expanding across the country :) I've been hired as a mental health peer support worker!

I'm really happy and excited - it's relevant experience for what I want to do (clinical psychology), doing what I love and getting experience in the field. :dummy:

I felt like the interview went really well, but everyone on the team was so unbelievably lovely that I wasn't sure whether or not their reaction to me was positive or whether they were all just so accepting people with a generally positive outlook that they approached all people and all interviews that way haha. It was nerve-wracking being interviewed when there were so many other awesome people going for the position too. I couldn't be more excited to start! :aww:

Another awesome thing about this job is; if you need support or less hours due to your own mental health, there is 100% no judgment or discrimination whatsoever, but instead, a lot of understanding and support. You can dress and express yourself without a problem, and you really don't have to censor yourself :) You can just be you.

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Finally getting around to submitting some of my photos from Italy, and more from my brother's wedding :)
I've also been hired to do some modelling work, so I might post photos of that at some point.

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It's almost 2 a.m., and my sister and I turn 22 in 2 days. Birthdays are always very hard for me, and I've been struggling a with a lot of mood instability lately, and stress surrounding uni and the fact that I just got a bit manic and spent some money that I couldn't afford to lose. But overall, I'm managing my episodes better than I ever have before; they don't impact me less, they're no less disabling, it's just that I'm finally being able to cope in a way that makes me keep hope alive. My future is really starting to look better :)

But tonight I was struggling a little, and came here to find a beautiful message of hope and encouragement sent by a kind deviant. And I wanted to say that so many people here, some that I know well, some that I don't - but take the time to say such beautiful, moving things; it changes my life. It reminds me why I keep fighting, and why I'm committed to my future in working in mental health, and on a more personal note, to my future as a person. I save the lovely comments and messages I get in a little folder, so that when I need to, I can be reminded. But I've never actually had to open that folder and look over them. I just know that it's there; a centre of support and encouragement, love and understanding from people all over the world, with such different lives and experiences, that have taken the time to stop and send me support. It means more than I can put into words. Such kindness, openness and sharing, and it does so much.

Tonight, I also had some close friends of mine from England, Germany and the United States (who all talk on facebook together everyday in a private group) laughing and chatting and being lovely and supportive too. And some girls from uni talking and asking for advice, and joking and being sweet and funny in messages as well.

I am happy and doing as well as I ever am, despite episodes :) I'm still working on getting my book published (a company is assisting me - it may actually happen soon!), and still going to uni. I hang out with friends, laugh, sing, and write and play music often. I have beautiful people in my life, beautiful love, romance, friendship, and support. And I have the support of so many beautiful strangers here too.

A close friend of mine in Germany also recently came to me about a friend of hers who was going through her first psychotic episode. She asked me for help, and together we helped the girl get help, get to hospital, and recover safely from the episode. Now, her friend is out of hospital and happy and stable, and messaged me thanking me for helping her.  
And today, some girls from uni asked me for help about bipolar; one of whom believes she might have Type II bipolar disorder, and another who thinks someone she knows might have symptoms of bipolar. Being able to help in any way reminds me of the difference you can make, even if it's small. This is why I'm committed to being a psychologist. For the power people have had in changing my life, and the power I know we all can have by reaching out and supporting others. Sometimes the littlest act can make really deep waves.

On another (very happy) note, there's an incredibly beautiful, inspiring lady that I'm so thankful to have in my life. She's the kind of person who you are the 'true' you around :) In psych, we've studied the different 'selves'; the concept of your ideal self, and your core/'true' self. Being around her and talking to her is like finding and connecting with that true self for me. I feel like I can see myself clearly when I'm with her. She's the kind of person that I can't really describe with words.

I truly believe in the beauty, kindness and compassion in people. Strangers or otherwise, that come in and touch your life, and make a butterfly effect, and sometimes, even in small ways, touch you profoundly and change everything, without knowing it.

Much love :heart:

© 2013 - 2024 Rosary0fSighs
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SadisticIceCream's avatar
I'm so glad to hear you're doing so well, and that you're being productive in your new job. You're going through a lot of wonderful changes, and you deserve every single one. :hug: